Your Perfect Day

I've been thinking a lot lately about having the perfect day. I think I'd like to have one soon. Yeah.

And it's hard to think of this because you could really go all crazy when I say "perfect" and jet off to Italy with Johnny Depp while wearing a size 6 dress. I mean....some people might consider that a perfect day. And then others might limit it too much, like strictly base the perfect day realistically on a small income (this writer) and limited time (this writer).

So I want to find the gray and the perfect day. Assuming you have just a moderate amount of money, taking into consideration that there are only about 16-20 waking hours in this day, and you don't gain any special talents or lose massive amounts of weight (or whatever your TRUE fantasy might be)....what would be your perfect day??

This proved harder that I thought because there are so many things I enjoy doing, and there aren't enough hours in the day to fit them all in! I'd like to walk through Manhattan with my mom, that would be as close to perfect as you could get. I'd want to sit on the couch with Asha and Einav and drink and laugh like 5 year olds until we couldn't breath. I'd want to spend the entire day in my pajamas with Hanna and Chip, eating junk and playing games, never leaving the house. I'd want to be at the Paddock all night, nestled in between all my GG Fam with no drunken people spilling their drinks on me while Bryen and his brothers sing The Used.

This is HARD! But I think a perfect day is in order. So I have to plan it. Realistically.

Obviously perfect is used loosely here because if perfect were real, I'd be spending the day with KTL. But realistically, here is my perfect day:

I'd wake up with no alarm and feel completely rested just as the sun is coming up. Hanna and I would go to Miss Shirley's (no line??) and I'd eat that breakfast sandwich with the fried green tomatoes on it. Then I'd drop Han off and I'd go get an iced coffee from dunkin' donuts with no sugar and extra cream then head to Ukazoo. I'd spend 1-2 hours there and buy enough books to fill my shopping bag all the way up!

I'd go home and drop off the books and Chip and I would take a walk at the Gunpowder, because it would be fall and 65 degrees and gorgeous outside. We'd walk slow and leisurely, we'd try to guess what some of the trees and birds and bugs we saw were and then we'd say we should have brought Dad or Uncle Jody and we'd laugh. We'd skip rocks.

We'd get back to the car and Chip would say that he's taking me out for a late lunch. I can't tell you where we go because I don't know. I don't decide. He just takes me there. And wherever it is, I love it  :)

We take the long way home and he lets me be dj for the drive. I think I probably play some Journey because I'm feeling extra smitten.

We pick Han up and we go to my parents house. My parents and Eric and Becki and JP and Neen and Mary Jo and Kellie are there. We play Apples to Apples and Catch Phrase and Mad Gab. We eat together. It doesn't matter what but I think maybe either some vermouth grilled chicken and ratatouille or possibly Thai carryout. And then Han goes upstairs to pass out because she's tired and this is the perfect day and we (ALL OF US), smoke a J.

Perfect. Day.

What's yours??

Sybil

So apparently there is this other phase of grieving that kubler -ross and all those other professionals forgot to mention. It's the multiple personality-schizophrenia-psychotic-crazy person phase. And I'm smack dab in the middle of it. Fun!

I have become a scary person. I mean really, I'm afraid of myself even. I drive A LOT for work. About 800-1000 miles a week. So there is a crapload of time I'm in the van, contemplating. Brewing. Crying. Seething. Eating. Nail biting. Laughing. Crying. Eating.

I keep thinking: ok God, or mother nature, or shiva, or whoever's in charge...enough is enough. Kate's been gone long enough. Joke's over. Let's bring her on back now, K? And i just can't FATHOM it. It's like trying to wrap your head around infinity or a quark or something else you just cannot possibly grasp. She can't really be GONE. Like...forever, gone.


And then my brain says, yes, she can. And she is. And I can't stand it. The unfairness of it and the sadness of it are too much. And I try to shove it all down because now I'm at my call and I have to go in this bank and drill something open (yes, yes it does help. a lot). and i need to fill out the form but i'm getting tears on it and they are paging me and i don't want to be here and i can't find a goddamn mother effing PEN!!!!!!!! And I think I might gouge my eyes out for lack of a pen!! seriously. It nearly undid me.


And I find the pen and fill out the form and go cause minor destruction on something in a bank. And I come outside and it's such a beautiful day and the sun is gorgeous and shining and that sweet little old man held the door for me and what could possibly be wrong in this world? I could sing! And my mouth is curving up into a smile and I feel that general sense of well being starting to flow....wait. NO, no.I can't be smiling! I can't be HAPPY. WHAT is WRONG with me??? How dare I? This isn't a time for happiness! And I'm so ashamed of my good feeling I get the eye gouge-y urge again.


This just repeats...over, and over....all day, everyday. And I'm tired. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being angry and mean and I'm tired of feeling guilty for when I don't feel sad and angry and mean. So I think about Kate. And that stupid jerk face GRAY. And I realize, that's where my peace is hiding. In the gray. I don't have to be sad or devastated or angry every second of the day to still honor Kate's memory. And I don't have to fake like it's all ok and be happy, genuinely or not, all the time either.


It's ok to still be sad and get angry, and it's also ok to be happy and good with the world, even if it IS missing one of the greatest to ever live in it. So while I may not have reached the acceptance phase, I have reached acceptance of the phase I AM in. Which is why you should all say a prayer for Hanna and Chip. I'm slightly off kilter, and totally fine with it!!