I wish we could inject men for a 30 day stretch, with the ridiculous amount of poison, I mean estrogen, that flows through our poor souls throughout the month. And it's not because I want to make them suffer (although honestly, a teeny little, most likely estrogen soaked, part of my brain says, yeah, suffer you lucky SOB).
But it's more so that they could UNDERSTAND, the reason why women are so utterly complicated, crazy, loving, moody, giving, bitchy, horny, frigid, weepy, giddy, possessed of the insane urge to scrub every surface with a toothbrush, lazy, manipulative, and SCARY.
Chip says I only want men to experience it so I can have an excuse for all of the above behaviors. So I can say, well now you know WHY and you have felt it and you get it, so it's ok for me to be this way. What he doesn't get is that if he did have the 30 day estrogen experience, he would scream, OMG THE EFFING ESTROGEN IS BACK, DO WHAT YOU WANT!!!! But as he hasn't experienced it first hand, yeah, it sounds like an excuse. So be it. Whatever gets me cleared to be Sybil for 7-14 days a month.
Just having the brain, thought processes, chemical makeup and hormones that us women have already makes us slightly crazy. But when the egg starts creeping down the tube....it's intensified....like a million times! Normally commercials can make us cry. During certain times of the month, blades of grass blowing in the breeze can make us cry. There is no rhyme or reason!!! It's miserable and confusing and it sucks. Where the hell is the gray in that???
What we need is a little patting up, but not too much. Some alone time but not a lot. Definitely chocolate but not mountains of it (well.....) and tons of validation. Validation is so easy. So this is a little guide for men, to help YOU wonderful people who put up with us scary ladies who turn into hagravens for a week a month, this is to help YOU find that gray, and by gray I mean compromise because you could never ever give us what we really need because we have no idea what that is, thus the crying for no reason and the obsessive mind changing.
I've made a little reference guide to help you out.
If your lady is crying for no reason, don't try to figure out why. She has no effing clue. Just hug her, but not too hard because her boobs hurt like hell right now.
If she's in the kitchen opening every cupboard, drawer and possibly doing it in a frenzied state, give her chocolate. And make no mention of the extra calories because she WILL burn them off in the next segment.
If she is snuggling you while you're trying to watch family guy, stroking your arm and nuzzling your neck, in a chair that is obviously too small for the both of you and you cannot understand why the hell she's squeezed herself in this tiny space just to suffocate you: TAKE her. Even if you have to go in the bathroom and lock the door because the kids are awake. A. of all, she NEEDS you to do that and I promise you will not regret it. and 2. of all, in 2 or 3 days time, you'll be banned from below the belt for a week, so get it while you can.
If she is going off on a rant, it doesn't MATTER what it's about; work, friends, the stupid lady at the bank, the asshole who cut her off, any rant, doesn't matter: listen, then validate. And by validate I just mean saying with real or at least passably faked honesty, "Damn, that really SUCKS." That's all you have to say. Really.
Finally, don't approach her with any outrageous requests during this time. Such as: Could you pass the salt?
No we cannot pass you anything because it is all one hundred million percent about US right now and I'm so tired and I want to chop my boobs off and shove a whole jar of pickles and bag of potato chips in my mouth and if the food I so lovingly and painstakingly heated up for you in the microwave isn't salty enough, get up and get your own goddamn salt!!!
So as you can see, I have been taken over by the estrogen demons and I feel so sorry for Hanna and Chip (who honestly are very wonderful at dealing with the estrogen Sara Monster) and every person that has to interact with me and hopefully this little vent helped. And if not, I do have some chocolate covered donut holes downstairs.....
