Those of you who know me, know that I am always preaching about the gray. Find the gray! I could name at least two people who, right this second, are making a gagging sound and rolling their eyes even as their subconscious hears me type those words. I can't help it. I think it could solve all the world's problems. People are way too "all or nothing". Black and White. I prefer the middle.
Today is the sixth day after my sister Katie passed away. I had a sad dream about her last night and I'm having a sad morning. I'm not finding the gray this morning. Some people will cope with death by jumping to one extreme. Get back to work! Throw all the delicious funeral food away! Do cardio for 7 hours! Write every thank you note and embellish each person's handwritten name on the envelope with hearts and curlicues! Honor Kate's memory by volunteering for the SPCA, the NAACP, and the CIA, or whatever the hell other acronym foundation, can get their mind elsewhere.
I, however, have sadly gone to the other extreme. Shower? meh. I did that 4 days ago, why take another so soon? Clean house? That would just cause my body funk to dirty the couch and stand out in a piney fresh house. Write thank you notes? What if I just use words of appreciation in my Words with Friends games that I'm playing all morning while chain smoking in my pajamas on my 9th cup of coffee? Will they count?
So now that my face is all cracky like Joan Rivers when she tries to smile and my night shirt has hardened little patches of snotty salty tears, I think I'll take my own advice and look for that gray.
Kate isn't coming back. But I think she WOULD want me to be clean and happy and sane. Well, I know she would. I told people at her funeral service to honor her memory by loving each other. Everyone always says that you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself. How can I take care of my Hanna and my Chip and my MamaDonna if I don't take care of me? So I won't do 7 hours of cardio (hahahahahahahahaaaaa!!!!) and I won't go on a caffeine driven house cleaning frenzy. But I'll find the nice middle ground. I'll get in the shower, write a thank you note or two and maybe honor Kate's memory with a game or two of her favorite, Word Mole.
Beautiful! Beautifully written! Writing is a good vice. It has always been mine when I am heartbroken, lost, or in pain. Writing and hot yoga. Yet when I am doing good I do not write at all. You be gentle with yourself. YOu rememeber your sister the way you need to even if it is tears. I hate fucking cancer. I hate it more everyday! xxoo
ReplyDeleteIm emberessed to tell you how long it took me to smile or go out of the house or smile after my grandma passed away, and when i finally did it was thank to you (and ellen degeneress).
ReplyDeleteNo one can say which is the 'right' way to deal or handdle with this, which ever way you chpoce is the best way at these moment for you to deal with it, and i k ow it may sound bullshit but it will get better, i know its hard to belive but it will get easier....
We need to find the things that will make us get u amd move and do things, it may not be 'real' at first but eventually it will...
So take your time to grif in what ever way you need and want, even if it means to not take shower for 8 days and to smoke chain or drink 100 cups off coffee a day, do it! But then dont forget to get up and come back to all those who love you: chip, hanna, me and everyone...
"S"
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you or anyone in your family has dealt with this "loss" as well as you have. Your tears are those of love, of grief and although we tell ourselves, I will be strong, I will not lose it ~ the reality is inevitable.
I too have lost the "gray area" here and there. When my mom was diagnosed, I could not deal with it. If I allowed myself to think, the tears came. I became completely numb to everything except for the feeling of the tears streaming down my cheeks and the snot dripping from my nose. Not enough make up in the world could help my swollen face and red eyes.
I asked myself the same thing "If I can't take care of myself, how can I care for my mom, dad and my girls?" So, I painted on a smile so much that my face hurt. I would sit in the tub while running the shower and sob hoping no one heard me. I came to work looking like total and complete shittolla and would silently cry at my desk.
I thank God everyday for the time I have with my mom. And yes, I still find myself falling to pieces every now and then. At the "service" the other night - seeing how frail my mom has become - trying to find a safe place for her to sit where her and her constant companion (oxygen tank) would not be in the way. Then seeing her and your mom embrace - those were moments that almost took me to my knees.
I can only say this to you ~ you were raised by an amazing woman and it seems to me, you are a mirror image. When you spoke the other night it touched my heart in a way I can not find words for. Love everyone. I thank you for that.
Allow yourself to grieve Sarah. Allow yourself to hurt. You are human. For what you have lost, is not normal, it is not kind and it is not fair. But also know that you will find your gray again ~ you have someone with you always that will make sure of it.
"K"
p.s. Take a shower - seriously! hehe
I thought I had a good comment to post here, but then I just read Kim Duncan's post and am sitting here in awe, especially the last paragraph- so beautiful and perfect! :')
ReplyDeleteSara, don't forget what you read to us Tues night<3 I wish I could remember every single word, but I know you said something along the lines of Katie only seeing us when we're happy..
Take your own advice Sweet Sara!
<3 you lots!