Sybil

So apparently there is this other phase of grieving that kubler -ross and all those other professionals forgot to mention. It's the multiple personality-schizophrenia-psychotic-crazy person phase. And I'm smack dab in the middle of it. Fun!

I have become a scary person. I mean really, I'm afraid of myself even. I drive A LOT for work. About 800-1000 miles a week. So there is a crapload of time I'm in the van, contemplating. Brewing. Crying. Seething. Eating. Nail biting. Laughing. Crying. Eating.

I keep thinking: ok God, or mother nature, or shiva, or whoever's in charge...enough is enough. Kate's been gone long enough. Joke's over. Let's bring her on back now, K? And i just can't FATHOM it. It's like trying to wrap your head around infinity or a quark or something else you just cannot possibly grasp. She can't really be GONE. Like...forever, gone.


And then my brain says, yes, she can. And she is. And I can't stand it. The unfairness of it and the sadness of it are too much. And I try to shove it all down because now I'm at my call and I have to go in this bank and drill something open (yes, yes it does help. a lot). and i need to fill out the form but i'm getting tears on it and they are paging me and i don't want to be here and i can't find a goddamn mother effing PEN!!!!!!!! And I think I might gouge my eyes out for lack of a pen!! seriously. It nearly undid me.


And I find the pen and fill out the form and go cause minor destruction on something in a bank. And I come outside and it's such a beautiful day and the sun is gorgeous and shining and that sweet little old man held the door for me and what could possibly be wrong in this world? I could sing! And my mouth is curving up into a smile and I feel that general sense of well being starting to flow....wait. NO, no.I can't be smiling! I can't be HAPPY. WHAT is WRONG with me??? How dare I? This isn't a time for happiness! And I'm so ashamed of my good feeling I get the eye gouge-y urge again.


This just repeats...over, and over....all day, everyday. And I'm tired. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being angry and mean and I'm tired of feeling guilty for when I don't feel sad and angry and mean. So I think about Kate. And that stupid jerk face GRAY. And I realize, that's where my peace is hiding. In the gray. I don't have to be sad or devastated or angry every second of the day to still honor Kate's memory. And I don't have to fake like it's all ok and be happy, genuinely or not, all the time either.


It's ok to still be sad and get angry, and it's also ok to be happy and good with the world, even if it IS missing one of the greatest to ever live in it. So while I may not have reached the acceptance phase, I have reached acceptance of the phase I AM in. Which is why you should all say a prayer for Hanna and Chip. I'm slightly off kilter, and totally fine with it!!