Regret

Regret is a killer. It will drain you, punish you and haunt you. I think one of the reasons why I have been dealing with my loss at what I consider to be a "normal" and healthy rate is that I have worked hard to let go of regret.

I recently had a conversation with my mom about regret. I can't pretend to understand what it feels like to lose a daughter, and I can't say I'd be able to let go of regret, or anything, if that ever happened to me. But I wanted to try to help her rationalize and conquer some of it. I don't know if anything I said helped but I thought about it a lot after, and this is what I've come up with.

No one is perfect. Even in very strong, healthy relationships, we all irk each other to some degree. We get past those things that bother us about each other because we love each other. We all knew that there were tons of things we did, during the course of Kate's life, that annoyed her. That bothered her. That hurt her. (Ever been on the receiving end of a kaboom? Yeah! Katie Kaboom! We KNEW if she was pissed lol)

But I truly believe that in the end, when she kept saying, "Everything is Perfect", that she REALLY TRULY meant it. She FELT it. And for a long time I was just in so much awe of her (and still am!) that she could possibly say that, when she had tubes and bags hanging off of her and she weighed less than just one of my thighs and she was facing the end of her life here on earth.

But after I had the regret conversation and then thought it out, I think that one of the big reasons she felt that everything was perfect was because she let go of her regret. When we were kids, I was the big mean older sister. That's not to say that we never had fun together because we had a BLAST. But I don't think that during her illness, she ever thought of the bad stuff, even once. And I think that about each person that she loved, and loved her. We have all hurt her, because we are human. But she let go of ALL of her hurt.

We showed her so much love and commitment and did everything possible to show her how much she meant to us, I don't think there was room left in her brain, or heart, to regret anything. So for mom, and anyone who knew and loved Kate, who still has feelings of regret.....I should have done this, said this, been there for this....I think you are punishing yourself in a way that Katie NEVER would have done. I don't think for one second that anything you are telling yourself you should have done or shouldn't have done, crossed Kate's mind. She was LOVED. She was GRATEFUL. She was at PEACE. And I know, without a doubt, she would only want peace and comfort, for your heart as well.