Often, when I think of Kate, the thing that saddens me, frustrates me, is the question of music. Katie was a music fanatic. She started going to live shows as a teenager, raves and concerts and festivals. Her CD book was so fat and heavy you needed a back brace to lift it from the back seat of her Corolla. When she was in her late teens and early twenties she was all about that DRUM n bass. She was a raver all the way down to the blue tips in her hair. She liked classic rock and hip hop and alternative too.
My brother once got us all (very very good seats) tickets to see Straight No Chaser and as we were leaving the Meyerhoff, Kate, flushed and glowing said, "This was the best night of my life!"
But later she was heavily into pop. She LOVED Miley Cyrus (luckily she never lived to see the twerking Miley. Although I know she would have scratched someone's eyes out for saying negative things about Miley. Katie UNDERSTOOD the misunderstood). She liked Pink and Black Eyed Peas and Coldplay and Katie Perry.
Now, when songs come out that I believe she would like, I ask my brothers. Do you think Kate would have liked this? When Girl on Fire by Alecia Keys came out I felt like she would have loved it. But maybe, too I was just feeling like the song was about Katie. I want to ask her. I want to share songs with her. I want to know.
When I heard Chandelier by Sia, I thought, I'll bet Kate would have liked this. And the video is so raw and odd and beautiful and stirring that it just makes you feel something anyway, even if you're not sure what. So I downloaded the song onto my iTunes on my phone.
On Wednesday I got all excited to listen to it for the first time since downloading it. I was getting onto 695, I was looping around the cloverleaf onto the highway and I hit play. The volume was all the way up (the only way to listen to music at 5:20 in the morning).
As soon as the song came on, within the first three seconds, I burst into tears. It was so sudden and severe a feeling, no a sensation, that it was like someone punched me in the gut. Only instead of pain it was JOY. It was as if a gigantic bellow had just pumped an impossibly large quantity of peacehappyknowledgejoy into me. I swelled with....love. Or understanding. Or utter and complete peaceful satisfaction. And I felt her.
And when I realized it, I said, out loud, "Are you here?" It came out like a teeny croaky little mouse voice because I was crying so hard. I almost couldn't see to drive for the tears and the snot and the heaving.
In my head I heard, Of Course.
It was my own voice I heard. My own, inside-my-head voice. But there is not a shred of doubt that she was there and she answered. I just heard the answer in my own voice.
There was a moment, like a shimmery crackly point of breath holding anticipation where it was like she was waiting to see if I would acknowledge her presence and then I shouted, "I knew you would like this song!!!"
And there she stayed. I saw her in my mind, with her eyes closed and the biggest almost-can't-even-fit-on-your-face smile and she was swaying to the music. I tried to sing the song but I was crying too hard and it sounded like gravel but still we smiled and swayed and listened together.
As I sang and cried I said to her, "I miss you so much," and she smiled a little acknowledgement smile. And it peeled grief off of me.
When the song finished I fumbled for my phone and said out loud, "I have another one I want to know if you like!"
But she had gone. I knew she was gone. I felt the air in the car deflate. It was empty but for me and my tears and the phone in my hand. I didn't feel sad. Well not too much. I still played the next song (Trees by twenty one pilots) and I still tried to sing along with it. And I do think she would like it. But that is another one, like Girl on Fire, that I think the lyrics are like me talking to her. It's more for me.
And after she was gone and I was onto the next and the next song, I was still so pumped full of adrenaline that I looked down and saw that I was going 78 miles an hour. I immediately slowed down and actually laughed out loud because I pictured trying to explain to the police if I got pulled over, But I was communicating with my dead sister!
The laughter cleared the air of any little bit of sadness I felt at her departure and the lingering smile on my face lasted the entire day.
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